How Narcissistic Parents Sabotage Their Children: Tactics of Control and Undermining
1. Undermining Independence
They ensure the child stays reliant on them.
Impact: The child internalizes the belief that they are incapable of functioning on their own, staying tethered to the parent out of fear.
2. Sabotaging Relationships
To maintain control, narcissistic parents may undermine their child’s friendships and romantic relationships, viewing these bonds as threats to their dominance. They often sow seeds of doubt, criticize friends and partners, or create situations that force the child to choose between their parent and their relationships.
Impact: The child struggles to maintain healthy relationships, either isolating themselves or seeking partners who emulate their parent’s toxic traits.
Criticizing Achievements
They might reframe achievements as insignificant or shift focus to their contributions, ensuring the child never feels the joy of individual success.
Micromanaging Careers
In career decisions, narcissistic parents often impose their preferences or discourage paths that might give the child independence or visibility. This control allows the parent to live vicariously through their child or keep them financially and emotionally dependent.
Scenario: If the child defies their advice, the parent might withdraw support, subtly making success harder to achieve.
Impact: The child feels trapped in a career they resent or battles guilt for pursuing their passions.
Financial Manipulation
Money is a common tool narcissistic parents use to control their children. They ensure dependency and maintain power by limiting financial resources, attaching strings to financial support, or sabotaging their child’s ability to earn.
Scenario: A college graduate saves enough to move out, but their parent suddenly demands repayment for years of “support,” drains a joint bank account, or insists the child cover unexpected household expenses.
Impact: The child’s financial freedom is curtailed, keeping them physically or emotionally tied to the parent.
Playing the Victim
When their children start asserting boundaries, narcissistic parents may deploy guilt and shame, portraying themselves as victims of neglect or disrespect. This emotional manipulation keeps the child tethered to them out of obligation.
Scenario: A young adult sets boundaries around weekly calls, explaining they need time for themselves. The parent responds, “ I must be a terrible parent.”
Impact: The child feels guilty and retracts their boundaries, prioritizing their parent’s emotional needs over their own.
Creating Chaos During Milestones
Narcissistic parents often sabotage major life events where their child might receive attention or take a significant step toward independence. Alternatively, they might refuse to provide promised financial help at the last minute, causing stress and overshadowing the event.
Impact: These behaviors ensure the focus shifts back to the parent, leaving the child’s accomplishments tainted by conflict.
Competing with Their Children
They may attempt to outshine their children or dismiss their progress to reassert dominance.
Scenario: A child shares exciting news about a promotion, but the parent quickly shifts the conversation: “That’s nice, but you wouldn’t believe the praise I got from my boss today.” Alternatively, they might criticize the job, saying, “That’s not as impressive as what I achieved at your age.”
Impact: The child feels unseen and invalidated, suppressing pride in their own accomplishments.
Breaking Free: Recognizing and Healing
Enforce consequences if boundaries are crossed.
